NOTE ON THE SAYINGS BELOW - WE DON'T INTEND TO
OFFEND ANYONE, OR ENDORSE ANY INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR. THE SAYINGS ARE
THOSE COMMON TO BUMPER MAGNETS/STICKERS AND T-SHIRTS.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited
Accuracy is our watchword. We never make misteaks.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
A day without sunshine is like night.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for
A fool and his money are soon partying. A hangover is
the wrath of grapes.
A man with worms is never alone.
A million sperm and YOU were the fastest?
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't
Alcohol and Calculus Don't Mix. Don't Drink and
All generalizations are false.
All men are animals, some just make better pets.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
Always be on time, even if you're late
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone
Always try to be modest, and be damn proud of it!
Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.
Anybody who isn't confused today isn't well informed
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty
Apathy is a serious problem, BUT WHO CARES!
Are the voices in my head bothering you?
Artificial Intelligence beats real stupidity.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit..
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.
Bad Cop! No doughnut!
Bad spellers of the word UKNIGHT!
Bad things travel in pairs. Bad things travel in
Ban abortion, eat your young instead!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beauty is only skin deep. Ugly goes straight to the
BEER.. Helping ugly people get laid since 1842!
Beer: For people too ugly to get laid.
Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing
Be sincere, whether you mean it or not.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of
Body By Nautilus. Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
Born again pagan
Born free...Taxed to death.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
BOY FRIEND WANTED: No experience necessary, will train
Bumper to bumper, Butt to Butt, Get Off My Ass You
Cancer cures smoking.
Can I test drive your vulva?
Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.
Cats... the other white meat!
Caution: Driver Legally Blonde!
Caution: I Brake For Hookers!
Caution: I can go from Zero to Horny in 2.5 Beers!
Caution: I drive like you do
Caution: I stop for unicorns
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that
Christians: Can't live with them, Can't feed them to
the lions any more.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
Clones are people two.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Constipated people don't give a crap.
Condoms are easier to change than diapers.
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone
up your ASS?
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
Death to all fanatics!
Denial is NOT a river in Egypt
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Did I say you could read my bumper. No, I didn't think
Do it today, 'cause it might be illegal tomorrow.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Dog is my co-pilot
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!
Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
Don't drink and drive: You might hit a bump and spill
Don't follow me, I'm lost!
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Don't hate yourself in the morning, sleep till noon.
Don't knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run...
he hates that.
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
Don't piss me off... I'm running out of places to hide
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Don't sweat petty things or pet sweaty things.
Don't tailgate or I'll flick a booger on your
Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive
Don't take my signals literally.
Don't take this personally, but shut up. Just shut up.
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Drive defensively... buy a tank.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the
Dyslexia: Fict or Faction?
DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD UNTIE!
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets
Earn cash in your spare time... blackmail friends.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
End discrimination: Hate Everybody!
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Experience is something you don't get until after you
Familiarity breeds children.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Focus on your own damn family!
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn
Forget the Joneses, I can’t keep up with the Simpsons!
For every action, there is an equal and opposite
For those of you who don't believe in
reincarnation...better luck next time.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Friends don't let friends take home fat chicks.
Friends don't let friends take home ugly chicks.
Friends don't let friends vote Democrat.
Friends don't let friends vote Republican.
Friends help you move.
Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
Gas, Grass or Ass no one rides for free
Get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
Get In, Sit down, Shut up, and Hold on!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.
God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an
all-nighter on the 6th.
God is my co-pilot God is my co-pilot, but the Devil
is my bombardier.
God made diversity; Man made bigotry; Who do you
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the law
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
Gun control means hitting what you're aiming at
Gun control means using both hands
Guns don't kill people, it's just the bullet tearing
through their body
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.
Guillotine operator wanted.
Chance to get ahead.
Guys... just because you have one doesn't mean you
have to be one
Half the people you know are below average.
HANG UP AND DRIVE!
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the
back of a milk carton.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Harry is a Pothead and the
Heart attacks... God's revenge for eating his animal
Help keep the kitchen clean - Eat out
He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically
He who dies with the most toys wins.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
Homer Simpson for President.
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Honk if I have slept with your husband.
Honk if you hate noise pollution
Honk if you love Hanson, then drive into a tree
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you want to see my finger
Honk if you're horny.
Honk if you're horny... pull over if you mean it.
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Housework done properly can kill you
How'd you get your driver's license, a close relative
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits
he is lost?
Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me
before we met
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
I am NOT a NUMBER! I am a DEMOGRAPHIC!
I am not laughing with you... I am laughing at
I brake for no apparent reason.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I didn't believe in reincarnation in the last life,
why should I in this one?
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to
be a vegetarian.
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I'd like to see it from your viewpoint, but I can't
get my head that far up my ass
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or
where you would rather be.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence
that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving
definitely isn't for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her
If black is beautiful, I just shit out a masterpiece!
If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel
I feel more like I do now than I did before.
I fought the lawn and the lawn won.
I found Jesus....He was behind the couch the whole
If God had intended us to run around naked, He’d have
created us that way!
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If ignorance is bliss, you should be orgasmic.
If it's too loud, you're too old.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they
made of meat?
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
If we quit voting will they all go away?
If you are psychic--think "HONK."
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
(placed upside down on vehicle): If you can read
this-ROLL ME OVER!!
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have
someone in mind to blame.
If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em!"
If you can't read this, you're illiterate.
If you can't trust me with a choice, how can you trust
me with a child?
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
If you don't like the way I'm driving, you come get
these handcuffs off!
If you don't STAND for SOMETHING, you'll FALL for
If you drink, don't park.
Accidents cause people.
If you get any closer, I'll fart!
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one
you've never tried before.
If you're going to ride my ass, pull my hair
If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a
couple of payments.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I go from 0 to bitch in 2.5 seconds
I go from 0 to horny in 2.5 beers
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
I got your honors student pregnant.
I Have The Body Of A God .......... Buddha
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I Haven't Lost My Mind -- It's Backed Up On Disk
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I is a college student.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar
I just took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working
with sub-atomic particles.
Illiterate? Write For Help
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
I love mankind; it's people I hate
I'm a cat person. No, I mean I'm half-cat
I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from
Imagination is the foundation of reality.
I'm an imbecile and I vote.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
I may be slow, but I’m ahead of you.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm not prejudiced; I hate everyone equally.
I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?
Impotence -- Nature's way of saying, "No hard
I'm Pro-choice, because the last thing I need is more
idiots to piss me off.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I never knew what real happiness was until I got
married; and then it was too late.
Insomnia cures snoring
I pretend to work and they pretend to pay me.
I ran into my ex the other day, so I backed it up and
hit him again!
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen..
i souport publik edekashun.
Is there life before coffee?
Is this glass half empty, half full, or twice as large
as it needs to be?
I still miss my Ex .... but my aim is getting better.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried smoking weed but I got grass stains on my
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
It's been Monday all week.
It's better to have a gun and not need it, than need a
gun and not have it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
It's not how you pick your nose, it's where you put
It's not paranoia when they really are out to get you
It's only kinky the first time
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer
It works better if you plug it in.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I used to live in the real world, but I got evicted.
I've told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop
I want to be just like Barbie: that bitch has
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I wasn't born a bitch.
Men like you made me this way.
I wish the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without
I would flip you off but my finger is up my nose
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone didn't pick on me.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an
Jesus loves you, the rest of us think you're an idiot.
Jesus paid for our sins... now let's get our money's
JESUS SAVES ... They Pass It To Gretzky ... He Shoots
... He Scores!
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Just because I'm wandering, doesn't mean I'm lost.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're
not out to get you!
Just dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians.
Just do me!
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all
Just say No to sex with pro-lifers.
Just when you think you've won the rat race along come
Keep honking...I'm reloading.
Keep that sense of humor; it's critical.
Keep your eyes on your OWN damn bumper
Kiss me if I am wrong but don't you want to fuck me
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Lead me not into temptation -- I can find the way
Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Life is a series of dashing and adventurous crises.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
Life is a terminal disease!
Life is like a dick, long and hard
Life is short. Don't be a dick.
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to
do something else.
Life's a bitch, then you die.
Line dancing--What happens when cousins breed.
LOOK! A DISTRACTION!!
Lord, protect me from Your followers.
Lost your cat? Try looking under my tires.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love isn't love until you give it away.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better
Marijuana... Hey at least it's not crack!
Mean People Suck -- Nice People Swallow
Mean people suck! So let me come over see how mean you
Men come in three sizes, small, medium and Oh My God!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37
Monday is a hell of a way to spend one-seventh of your
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in
Money is the root of all evil: send $30 for more info
Money can't buy love. But it can rent a very close
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
My Karma just ran over your Dogma
My kid beat up your honor student
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
My kid had sex with your honor student
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the
My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending
My other auto is a 9mm.
My other wife is beautiful.
My sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to
My son is an honor student at the state correctional
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or
something like that.
Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly!
Never, never, never, never repeat.
New and improved Niagra Falls and Viagra Rises
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No radio -- Already stolen.
Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
Nothing can spoil a good weekend like a Monday.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that
life is serious.
Nuke the unborn baby whales for Jesus.
Okay, who put a "Stop Payment" on my reality check?
Okay - who's been messing with my anti-paranoia
OK, so what's the speed of dark? Oops.
My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pardon my driving - I am reloading.
Partnership for an Idiot-free America.
Piss off a Liberal ... work for a living.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Please! Spay and Neuter Your Republicans!
Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
Poo Poo Happens
Practice Safe Sex. Go Screw Yourself.
Practice safe sex. Make love in a Volvo!
Preserve wildlife: throw a party
Prevent forest fires - Support clear cutting!
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Prosecutors will be violated!
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere
may be happy.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
Real trucks are built, not bought!
Real Trucks Don’t Have Spark Plugs
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power
Rehab is for quitters.
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph ...Are
Also Timed For 70 mph
Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy!
Save a Tree, Eat a beaver.
Save the animals, Eat a vegetarian.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Save water, shower with a friend
Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Sex causes your children to be born naked.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June
Show respect for age: drink good Scotch.
Signals? ITS THE STICK ON YOUR LEFT !!!
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your
Smile. Tomorrow I'll give you a reason to frown.
Smith & Wesson: The original point-and-click
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa
Soccer players do it for 90 minutes, in 11 different
positions, without their hands.
So many stupid people... so few comets.
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
Spell-checkers are hear two stay.
Sticks and stones will break my bones but, whips and
chains excite me.
Stop Inbreeding: Ban country music!
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Streakers re-pant! Your end is in sight.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some
Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
Support free enterprise - legalize prostitution
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
Thank goodness I'm female
The attention span of a computer is as long as its
The colder the X-ray table, the longer your body is
required on it.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that
genius has its limits.
The face is familiar, but I can't quite remember my
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional
to the softness of the bread.
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak
The Moral Majority is neither.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
The more things change, the more they remain insane.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The only time I said no to a drink was when I
misunderstood the question.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
The proctologist called. They found your head.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count
and those who can't.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
The road to success is always under construction.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a
The things that come to those that wait may be the
things left by those who got there first.
The world is full of apathy, but I don't care.
This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates
This car protected by Smith & Wesson
This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening
To Me Those who live by the sword get shot by those
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal
from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise
above your principles.
Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and
fragile to be out by itself.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Use an accordion, go to jail
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Vomiting is nature's way of recycling.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they
WARNING! Driver only carries $20 of ammunition.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be
We have enough youth, how about a Fountain of Smart?
We're not paranoid, you only think we are!
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
What are you lookin' at?
What ever look you were going for, you missed!
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What really pisses me off is people with no tolerance.
When all else fails, lower your standards.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong
When in doubt, hide the evidence
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven
is like the IRS.
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a
Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Who cares who's on board?
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Who's your Daddy? Never mind, your Mom told me already
Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to
Why be normal?
Wife and dog missing, reward for dog.
Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
Wink. I'll do the rest.
Witches are Crafty People.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Work is for people who don't have the internet.
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
You have nothing to fear but the voices in my head
You never really learn to swear until you learn to
You! Off my planet!
You! Out of the gene pool!
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an
Your mother must have drank, smoked pot, and dropped
acid while she was pregnant!
Your proctologist called, they found your head
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
Your town called. They want their drunk back.
Your village called. They're missing their idiot.
You're driving a car; it isn't a telephone booth, a
beauty parlor or a restaurant.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.